For some reason I need to listen to the same music overandoverandover lately, and I've gotten into some kind of mantra thing almost with CSN singing the Beatles song, 'Blackbird." Don't ask me why. It's just that one song, again and again. That and "Driving Rain" that probably everyone at work knows all the words to by now because I could play the whole CD 12 times a day and not get bored. (Okay...if I'm confessing.... John Lennon's "Oh My Love" and Phil Collins' "Find a Way to My Heart" too.) Just about the only thing I can come up with that they all have in common is renewal.
"I feel the sorrow, I feel the dreams Everything is clear in my heart I feel life, I feel love Everything is clear in our world."
Putting on a smile, because I want to try to celebrate Nana's wonderful life, although we're all going to miss her terribly.
I mentioned previously that I was doing a gratitude journal this year. Last night, I just stared at the page for ages, thinking, what was there to be happy about today? I remarked that I was at somewhat of a loss to my husband, and he seemed surprised. "You have me," he said. And he was right. So I wrote that down. And then I realized all I did have to be thankful for:
1. That I got to know Nana and have her be a part of my life. 2. That she came into my life just when my Grandma died and so God gave me another chance to have a grandmother. 3. That I was able to make her meatball recipe and have her try it out (and she liked it!) so I know I got it right. 4. That I have such a loving family, on both sides, that cares so much about me.
Today I scanned in 2 Nana pictures: The first is a group picture, where of course, Nana is the center of attention and having a great time. The second picture shows Nana with her shades, tossing back some water (that happened to be in a champagne glass). My very favorite Nana picture.
I was okay until I got home from work and saw that Paul had out one of Nana's recipes and had photocopied it for his sister. That, for some reason, was more real than any photograph.
She was an amazing woman; 95 years old and still succulent. She was a fighter, she believed fiercely in prayer, and she loved to have her picture taken. She was also one of the best cooks ever. She was my Nana by marriage but she became my real Nana too.