I'm sticking to painting and talking to my inner circle (of 2).
There's really no point in talking; everyone's fed up/exhausted/overworked and they have their own life to worry about without me too. Does that negate what I feel? No, but if I try to talk about it and all I hear is a laundry list of how busy everyone else is I just don't see the point. I'm just a statistic, or even worse, I'm turning into some kind of cliché.
I hate clichés.
Why do I even bother writing about this? Because (a) it's what I feel, and (b) I think it's important to see that incredibly talented, creative, motivated (and modest!) people have slumps and frustrations too. It would be lovely if I had no responsibilities and could spend the whole day in the park with some chalk, or painting, or reading, thoughts just flowing out of my head like a faucet: but that's just not real life. I'd probably also be incredibly boring and wouldn't be able to identify with anyone either. So for now I'll stick to the painting.
I'm the kind of person who looks for synchronicity and relationships everywhere, and so I usually find them because I'm receptive to it. I'll be honest here, I've been going through some stuff that's been really depressing lately, so maybe that's why I'm even more introspective than usual. I'm being innundated with all sorts of messages; like swarms of fireflies lighting up the sky around my head, winking on and off and catching my attention. A few examples from the just past few days:
The other morning I said a prayer for more patience and opened my prayer book, and that day's reflection was all about trusting in God and having patience. It contained this Chinese proverb: Patience is power. With time and patience, the mulberry leaf becomes silk.
My mom runs a retreat at her church and I always make a poster for her weekend with the retreat's theme. This year, when I read the quote, I burst out laughing — because their quote is the same as the reading I began my talk with: For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope. When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot.
On the car radio, I heard a compelling program that was all about suffering and about a getting a different perspective on it — I'm searching madly online for a copy of this great list I heard. I sat for about 5 extra minutes in the car in the driveway, trying to memorize it all.
This weekend I received the April issue of O Magazine (love it, btw) whose theme this month is Strength. I found this quote: Strength isn't being able to stand up to anything, but being able to crawl on your belly a long, long way until you can stand up again.
I also got my very first e-newsletter from SARK, where she spoke extensively about "accepting the unacceptable." It's been helpful.
Interesting thing: my necklace won't come off. It's a gold cross that belonged to my great-grandmother. I put it on early in the week and when I tried to take it off, I found that the little knobby thing that releases the clasp has disappeared completely. There's nothing to catch to open it at all, it's going to take pliers to get this off. For some reason I'm kind of reassured by this and I'm not in a hurry to remove it at all.