Thursday, September 30, 2004 ![]() ![]() french toast girl ![]() Sunday, September 26, 2004 ![]() Banned Books Week It's Banned Books Week. Go out and read one today. On my shelf: The Golden Compass (new to me) and one of my all time favorites, Farenheit 451 which is, ironically, about book-burning. french toast girl ![]() Monday, September 20, 2004 ![]() 'Fessing up. I have post-partum depression. It started after Sophie was born, and never really had a chance to get better once I got pregnant with the twins. It has been getting a tiny bit better, every day, and it's been very hard for me to say anything to anyone since I have this reputation for being such an optimistic person. I'm still optimistic, it's just very very hard to remember that, some days. Someone recently wrote about how people seem to be trying to drag her down and not share in her successes. I have felt the opposite - everyone seems to want me to be this happy, lovely super-artist-mom that's always inspiring and wonderful. So I have been afraid to share my depression. Every time I wrote about being down, I'd get an email saying how I needed to look at how wonderful my life was and how deleriously happy they would be to be in my shoes. I felt guilty for feeling so amazingly bad when I had three children and some had none. I felt ashamed when I read Dooce's journal, because my depression didn't manifest itself the same way hers did and so somehow I couldn't call this PPD because I wasn't checking myself into a hospital like she did. Trust me, the more I read books and articles on the subject, the more I see myself in the pages. I am not on medication. I am not seeing a doctor. I will if I feel I need to. For now, I need to talk about it, and to let the people close to me know about it. If they really love me, they'll understand. Some have probably already figured it out. I honestly thought at one point in time that I would never smile or laugh or sing again. I'm doing more of both now. And I'm starting to do little things; like painting, like making my 33 list, like admitting I'm not capable of doing and being everything for everyone all the time. It's awfully slow, but I'm getting there. french toast girl ![]() Walk for Life Anyone who wants to help with #12 on my Big 33 List, "Do a fundraising walk", here's your chance. I'm doing the Walk for Life again - it's a fundraising walk that benefits Life Choices Center in Edison, NJ. They provide support, some medical care, and counseling for pregnant women who have decided not to have an abortion. They need diapers, formula, blankets, clothes - and this year they're trying to get an ultrasound machine. Those of you with babies know how important it is to get good prenatal medical care and how amazing it is to see that little one growing and developing. If you're interested in sponsoring me (and Sophie - she's walking with me!), it can be in any amount. Just send me an email with the amount you'd like to sponsor with your address and I'll put you on the sheet. I'll be doing the walk this Saturday, Sept. 25th. french toast girl ![]() Monday, September 13, 2004 ![]() dear God, I just wanted to say thank you for surprising me today. You know how hard it has been for me lately, you've seen all the crying I've been doing, and you know how much I just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. You know that I have been questioning my abilities on just about every level there is, especially motherhood. And you know too that for some thick-headed reason I have been feeling like I can do things alone. You saw the whirling dervish I was this weekend, cooking meals for a week, dressing and packing up everyone, going to a christening and feeling sick the whole time, dreading the week to come because I just knew I would get really sick and have no time to take care of myself because of our crazy schedules. You saw me get up at 3am with Angela, who has slept through the night for the past month and a half but for some reason not last night, and then again with Peter because I was up anyway. You saw my book light on as I read because I was too anxious to go to sleep. And you saw me stagger out of bed at 7 once Sophie started chirping, "Mama, Mama!" through the baby monitor. You've seen me start to become a coffee drinker because for once in my life I need a jumpstart. You alone hear the words I mutter under my breath in frustration, words the normal, regular me would never ever dream of saying. I think I'm turning into someone else and it scares the pants off me. But this morning, on a day I'd been dreading simply because it started another week, you threw me a curve ball. Angela rolled over, all by herself. And all of a sudden, I realized that maybe we are doing something right, that maybe all the bits of time and exercises and reading and walks in the park and singing together that I feel are too few and far between - well, maybe they add up okay anyway. If Angela, the child that I feel gets the least attention because she's so sweet, so uncomplaining, so willing just to sit near you and watch your face - Angela, who was born 2 months early and was in the hospital for pretty much all of those 2 months - if my Angela can roll over at just about the time that Sophie did, then maybe, just maybe, I'm not doing such a horrible job after all. And I want to: Thank you for the two songs you sent me on the ride home, on two different stations, the ones that said were about always being by my side so I would never be alone. I got the message loud and clear. Thank you for the long naps all the babies took this afternoon for me, letting me actually read and nap a little myself. Thank you for sending me a sitter to help me put the babies to bed after the regular sitter couldn't make it. Thank you for giving me a husband who reminds me over and over again that we're partners and that we're a team, and that I'm not going it alone. And thank you especially for listening to me, no matter how whiny, annoying, and ungracious about your blessings I may be. I'm trying, really, I am. And I know you know that too. love, your Elena french toast girl ![]() Saturday, September 11, 2004 ![]() I wanted to do a new one this year, but I ran out of time (imagine that!). So here's my page, in Rememberance. french toast girl ![]() Wednesday, September 08, 2004 ![]() ![]() french toast girl ![]() Tuesday, September 07, 2004 ![]() I'm super proud of working on this... Happy 10th Anniversary, Mutts! french toast girl ![]() Thursday, September 02, 2004 ![]() ![]() french toast girl ![]() Wednesday, September 01, 2004 ![]() Having a Ball or How I Managed to Fit Into My Pre-Sophie Jeans ![]() french toast girl ![]()
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ART, iNSPiRATiON, AND WHY LiFE iS LiKE FRENCH TOAST.
a little bit o' toast: what I've got they used to call the blues
the 6th annual michelangelo project
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